Any ideas that Noah had to park the ark at Stamford Bridge were ill-conceived in a European contest so embarrassingly mismatched that you were left wondering if Chelsea made sure their goals came two by two just for the fun of it.
Enzo Maresca’s men scored in the 12th and 13th minutes, then the 18th and 21st, and then the 39th and 41st to lead 6-0 by the break. Christopher Nkunku grabbed their seventh and eighth goals in quick succession in the second half but resisted the urge to perform his usual balloon celebration, realising how cruel that would have been on the minnows they were mauling.
The visitors sitting fourth in the Armenian Premier League were tourists at Stamford Bridge. Nearly two hours before kick-off, their players were on the pitch, suited up and taking selfies because this was a big occasion, for themselves and for Noah.
Only seven years old, the club is indeed named after the biblical tale. They got into the Conference League proper via an exhaustive qualifying process which began all the way back on July 11. That set them up for this visit to the home of the competition favourites.
Chelsea want to win the Conference League so that, once again, they can brag they have ‘won it all’. Even if this is not the European tournament they truly want to be in, their supporters are embracing their season-long stay in it, singing ‘we want 10’ throughout the second half.
Chelsea netted six goals before half time as they beat Armenian minnows Noah 8-0
Tosin Adarabioyo (right) opened the scoring, with Enzo Fernandez (left) picking up a hat-trick of assists
Joao Felix (pictured) netted twice on the night, with fellow forward Christopher Nkunku also grabbing a brace
‘We had to be serious,’ Maresca said. ‘Football is full of surprise. If you are not ready mentally, you can fall asleep against any team. We were professional.’
Maresca continued his trend in making 11 changes, knowing a routine win ought to follow regardless against opponents whose players are apparently paid less than £5,000 per week.
When the visiting goalkeeper Ognjen Chancharevich started time-wasting within 30 seconds, you feared we could be in for a frustrating night of skulduggery. But Noah could have opened the scoring after two minutes, with Filip Jorgensen needed to stop Goncalo Gregorio’s rocket.
Maresca handed a first-ever senior start to Tyrique George, the 18-year-old academy graduate who was only informed of the news at 5pm. Three hours later, here he was, exchanging a one-two with Nkunku before teeing up Joao Felix who, somehow, missed an open goal.
It was in the 12th minute when the floodgates officially opened as Adarabioyo headed home Enzo Fernandez’s corner. Immediately from Noah’s kick-off, Goncalo Silva’s poor pass left Marc Guiu one on one with Chancharevich to score his first goal for Chelsea.
After 18 minutes, there was another corner and another header as Axel Disasi made it 3-0. Chelsea’s set-piece coach Bernardo Cueva could only wish their Premier League opponents’ marking was this mediocre. It then became 4-0 when Noah lost the ball again, Felix producing a dinked finish as Fernandez bagged his third assist of the evening.
Noah managed to stop Chelsea until the 39th minute when Mykhailo Mudryk became their fifth goalscorer, his 20-yard curler the best of the bunch. Before the break, Felix grabbed their sixth goal, with 6-0 equalling Chelsea’s best victory under Mauricio Pochettino versus Everton.
Cole Palmer was here, sitting in front of the press box as we all wait to see if he will be passed fit to face Arsenal in the Premier League this Sunday. He was not named in the Conference League squad that Chelsea submitted to UEFA earlier in the season. The club’s feeling was he would not be needed in the league phase. Though they faced some criticism for that call, they were right. If Palmer was playing here, Chelsea might have threatened their best-ever win in Europe – 13-0 over Jeunesse Hautcharage in the 1971-72 Cup Winner’s Cup.
Mykhailo Mudryk (pictured) also netted, as well as B-team players Marc Guiu, Axel Disasi
Next up for Enzo Maresca’s side is Arsenal in a huge Premier League clash on Sunday afternoon
Chelsea saw chances to score come and go until the 69th minute when it became seventh heaven as Felix’s through-ball found Nkunku. Chancharevich rebuffed his initial attempt at a chip but not the rebound, which trickled in even with Aleksandar Miljkovic having retreated to the goal line. There was no balloon celebration.
Samuel Rak-Sakyi, the 19-year-old midfielder from the academy, was brought on by Maresca to make his debut and in the 75th minute, the scoreline was completed. Austrian referee Christian-Petru Chlochirca awarded Chelsea a penalty via his pitch-side monitor after Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall was fouled by Yan Eteki and Nkunku sent it straight down the middle. Again, no balloon came out of the sock. He reserves that for real contests.